monkeyman

NO!!!!!

Last I heard was that it was going to be an indoor event at Jomtien this year.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to the next leg of our voyage to the bottom of the barrel. As a result of the unscheduled fireworks display in Bangkok over New Year, the United States Embassy have presented Pattaya police with a set of bomb blankets. The Chief of Police apparently thanked them but pointed out that, in Pattaya’s climate, the bombs were unlikely to get cold enough to need them. Talking of bombs, there was another story in one of the newspapers about a fake bomb being planted near a Thai Petroleum storage depot at Laem Chabang. They later had to print a correction when it was discovered that the bomb was actually real but the storage depot was a fake. Reports that a terrorist group had stolen a consignment of torpedoes from a naval base also caused a sharp decline in bookings at one Pattaya hotel. The constructors of Pattaya’s new relief road say that that its completion has been delayed because of a telephone pole that stands slap bang in the middle of where the road is supposed to run, and that there’ll be a bit of a hold up while it’s removed. Bollocks. We’ve seen a baht bus driver remove one in two seconds flat. Have you noticed that there’s been a lot of bother involving Scandinavians in Pattaya recently? And we always thought that they were supposed to be such nice peaceful fellows. I mean, those two blokes in Abba never punched anybody out, did they? Probably left it to the girls. It’s been announced that this month’s Pattaya International Music Festival will have to be scaled down very slightly from previous years due to lack of cash in the city’s coffers. However, the council are determined that the show will go ahead and have provided us with this picture of the new arena being erected. There was a story in Pattaya City News the other week with the headline “Jealous boyfriend consumes floor cleaner after he suspects his girlfriend is seeing another man”. Unfortunately, when it was shown to the police, they misunderstood and arrested the poor sod for cannibalism In the best traditions of community spirit, Banglamung Vocational College have started sessions to introduce Thai youngsters to the basics of good driving. The eager pupils will of course be instructed to completely ignore everything they’ve been taught if they ever end up driving one of these. On February 16, Pattaya City Hall announced that they were holding a meeting of their Rubbish Committee. As this description fitted just about all of their committees, further enquiries were made and it was found to be the one being chaired by a Khun Tawit. Sounds like the right man for the job to us. That’s his real name by the way – you just couldn’t make that up. Well, it looks like the government’s wonderful plan to make all the bars install CCTV cameras (or tourist repellent, as they’re popularly known) is set to go ahead. If anybody’s interested, there’s a feller we know who can supply these at a very reasonable price. This includes free fitting and, for a small additional charge, a written guarantee that they won’t work. Nice to see that more and more bars are holding free beer nights for board members. Ah, free beer. Some words just belong together, don’t they? Finally, there was a touching tale about how two water buffalo calves had led rescue workers to their sick mother who was lying in a field after being bitten by a snake. A real sick buffalo? Now that’s a story. be seeing you monkeyman

The description fits the Dusit except that their rooms do have safes.

You mean she'd help you to write crap songs?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our tenth odyssey into the myth and folklore that surrounds the Land Of Nudge and Wink. Well, the big story just after New Year was the bomb scare on North Pattaya Road caused by the hapless loon whose car exploded after he fitted it with an LPG fuel system to save money. In an attempt to retrieve the situation, he said that the car had never experienced any problems until it blew up, but the general consensus from those present was that they’d sooner buy a used car from Richard Nixon. There’s been a reprieve for Brits flying to Thailand on British Airways as the planned strikes by the cabin crews have been called off. It seems that it was all caused by a row about them taking an average of 22 days sickies every year. Surprising it isn’t even more if they have to eat the same load of old crap that they serve to the passengers. As we all know, Suvarnabhumi Airport has been a great success and absolutely nothing has gone wrong since it opened. This has not gone unnoticed in Pattaya, where they are proud to announce the opening of their own new airport. As you can see, it’s not quite finished yet but, in true Suvarnabhumi style, they’re still going ahead with the planned opening next Tuesday. The bars in Pattaya seem to be lot quieter than this time last year but the hotels are still full. Looks like the Cheap Charlie Asian tourists are in town again. Makes you wonder what the little buggers get up to. Like, do they actually ever come out of their hotels or do they have to be locked in their rooms? We can but hope. Whoops, they did it again. As you may well have heard, the Thai authorities have come up with yet another brilliant new scheme to cut crime by having bar owners install CCTV cameras in their premises. Predictably, the announcement sparked off a huge crime wave, as thefts from shops selling CCTV equipment tripled overnight. Don’t you love it when a plan falls apart? Looks like the riddle of why police raids never found any sex toys at Marilyn A Go Go has at last been solved. The girls must have chucked them out the back door as, after a long absence, they’ve finally been washed up on the beach. There was a bit of a misunderstanding the other week when a German bloke complained to his hotel that he’d returned to his room and found that the safe had gone out of the closet. The manager apparently expressed his regrets but said that the hotel could not give guests any guarantees as to the sexual orientation of their room safes. Local fishermen have been blamed for harming the tourist trade by using explosives in the waters around Pattaya and doing a significant amount of damage to underwater sites in the area. This has resulted in a much smaller number of tourists diving in the sea, but a much greater number flying out of it. Talking of the sea, a quick message for the chap who was enquiring on one of the boards if the seawater quality around Pattaya is as bad as it’s made out to be. Well, let’s put it this way. If you were trying to commit suicide, it’d be quicker to drink it than to drown in it. A delegation from Cambodia arrived in Pattaya a few weeks ago to enter into discussions with the local mandarins about business opportunities in the city. Well boys, if your business is drugs, prostitution, mugging or illegal gambling you’ve hit the jackpot. Plans to deal with the impact of a tsunami on Pattaya continue to take shape with the delivery of this new line of baht buses. A ceremony was recently held at the Wiwat Polamuang Navy School following the completion of the first part of a rehabilitation program for 244 drug addicts. Many more addicts had applied to join the program, but were told “Rehab? No hab.” Pattaya Daily News carried a wonderful article the other day about a Swiss bloke who set fire to his apartment. They went on to say “He had a reputation for bizarre behaviour, going out every night and returning in the early hours of the morning in an intoxicated state”. Jeez, what a weirdo. Makes us glad we’re all normal, eh? We’re still trying to work out the new Thai smoking ban, which seems to apply to entertainment venues but for some reason not to bars. Perhaps the authorities don’t class bars as entertainment venues. They wouldn’t be far wrong if they’ve visited some of the bloody bars we’ve been in lately. And remember, guys. Life is like a shit sandwich - the more bread you’ve got, the less shit you have to eat. be seeing you monkeyman

No probs from a musical point of view, but it doesn't do a whole lot for the girls dance-wise, as can be witnessed at Tim Bar.

I think the bulb's already gone.

WestEast are a class act and offer a professional and reliable service. I've used them on many occasions and would recommend them to anybody.

I wanted an April flight to Phuket. Bastards.

Obligation?

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another dose of liver salts for the brain to help you forget about the ghastly mountains of turkey and mince pies that have been inflicted on you for the last few weeks by well-meaning but hopelessly retarded relatives. Well, who would have thought it? Just three months after its much-trumpeted opening, the new Suvarnabhumi airport is to be partially closed because of poor construction. This will be administered by minor officials as senior figures don’t have time to deal with such trivial matters - they’re too busy plotting the next bar crackdown to ruin the holidays of any tourists who manage to survive the ordeal of their planes landing on what’s left of the runways. While we’re on the subject of the airport, don’t forget that the dreaded Departure Tax is to rise to 700 baht from February 1. So not only do you have to drag yourself off home at the end of your holiday, but you have to pay 40 percent more for the privilege. Talk about insult to injury. What a bunch of rotters, eh? As the world wrestles with the dilemma of nuclear proliferation, Thailand proudly unveils the latest generation of its state-of-the-art nuclear deterrent. In the best traditions of Hollywood, Fun City now has its name spelled out on Radio Station Hill in 20 metre high letters. They haven’t got it quite right yet, but it does offer an opportunity for tourists who are bored with the Big Apple to visit the big PATAYTA. There was a story going round about a fellow who invited some young boys back to his hotel room to have a look at his new video camera. Then the police found out that he didn’t actually own a video camera and he was thrown in jail. This is absolutely appalling. I mean, what kind of a country is this where a man can be imprisoned just because he doesn’t own a camera? The owners of Champion A Go Go have denied that they’re planning to start watersports shows in a new upstairs bar called ‘Wee Are The Champions’. In a move that will no doubt fascinate all visiting fast food freaks, Pattaya announces the opening of the world’s smallest branch of KFC. It’s also been rumoured that a Humphrey Bogart theme bar will be opening in Walking Street under the name of ‘Play It Again, Siam’. There’s been a bit of flak aimed at street vendors lately, particularly the shoeshine boys who interrupt your imbibing by trying to polish your trainers, and the rose sellers who push a damp bloom up your bugle in the hope you’ll buy it for your tilac. Well, there’s an old saying that the single rose says more than the bunch. It says that you’re too much of a tight bastard to fork out for more than one. A quick word of advice for the bloke who posted on a website that he’d had a virgin in Pattaya once and would never do it again. We think you’ll find that once is actually the upper limit on this one, dude. It looks like the Blues Factory’s aiming to attract the more mature class of punter as it seems that you’ll no longer be allowed in unless your shirt’s at least 20 years old. In a desperate attempt to give Pattaya a safer image, the District Governor has enlisted the help of the Military to back up the local police force for the duration of the high season. Thanks boys, but we’re not sure that that making Pattaya look like the streets of Baghdad will make your average tourist feel a whole lot safer. They’re also hoping to attract lots more nice families to Pattaya with the opening of this exciting new swimming pool on Beach Road. As part of a drive towards healthy eating, Pattaya City Hall has sent a message to local chefs asking them to use more bamboo in their menus. They have apparently said that they will do this if the Council agrees to use more noodles in the construction of their offices. Pattaya City Council have come up with a brain-teasing competition to be run throughout the month of January. All you have to do is to suggest the most appropriate letter to fill the gap in this sign. The prize for the lucky winner will be a conducted tour of the cultural highlights of Pattaya hosted by the Council leader and old mate of Monkeywatch, Mr Yuslas Sakkashit. Or, if you prefer, you can be thrown off Bali Hai Pier with an anchor chained to your neck. And a final thought. If money is the root of all evil, how come churches are always asking us for it? be seeing you monkeyman

How about compromising and just upgrading to PL for the outbound trip? You don't need it so much on the return flight as it's not overnight.

Could be a new show in here somewhere.

Oh I see. So they're telling us that increasing taxes lowers carbon emissions. Just think. If they doubled income tax and VAT they could save the whole bloody planet.

Best way to reduce the cost is to trade in your return ticket for a single.

Jeez fellas, give the guy a break. It's not like you're going to be worse off than before if you don't take the offer up. It's just a new option if you want it.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and a Cool Yule to one and all. Right, let’s see what Santa’s got in his sack (or should that be sac?) The Deputy Mayor of Pattaya announced at a meeting a couple of weeks ago that 85 CCTVs had been installed around the city in an effort to combat crime. Big Buddha is watching you. Thailand's Ministry of Culture is issuing a regulation prohibiting female students aged under 20 from becoming Coyote Girls. Nice to see they’re tackling the real issues facing the country head on. In a proud moment for the city, local dignitaries this week revealed that Pattaya has been chosen for the launch of Thailand’s first attempt to break into the supercar market. There’s been a few comments made about the Climax Bar having a guy sitting outside the bog and charging the outrageous sum of five baht before you can go in and take a leak. Guess they figure that piss taking is a two-way street. Let that be a warning unto ye. Representatives from the Cambodian government have been visiting Pattaya as they plan to use the city as a model for tourism back in their country. On announcement of this news, shares in chrome pole manufacturing companies were said to have hit an all-time high. Construction of Pattaya’s first ever rollercoaster was abandoned last weekend after it was discovered that the construction workers didn’t know the difference between metres and millimetres. A signwriting company were also in hot water after misspelling signs made for a meeting of the Asia Paediatric Society at a well-known Pattaya hotel. The error was apparently discovered when two delegates were caught trying to persuade the maids to dress up as schoolgirls. The wonderful Pattaya Mail has done it again, with a fascinating story about a Thai guy caught stealing women’s underwear from washing lines, published under the heading “Police Briefs”. So now we know what’s going on under those uniforms. Always thought they walked a bit funny. Speaking of which, the new Chief of Police had just announced that he was going to get tough on crime when it was reported that a Deputy Police’s Chief’s car had been broken into while he was attending a police party. Good start, dude. He won’t be too pleased about this vandal attack on the Pattaya Swiss Cheese Monument either. Tourists who were worried about reports of an oil slick hitting Pattaya Bay have been assured that the story isn’t true and that Tony Blair has no plans to visit the area. A message for the guy who was asking if anybody knew how he could avoid paying the 1000 baht joiner fee at his hotel. Simple. Either spend your whole holiday wanking or stay somewhere else. Finally, a word of advice. If you don’t want anybody to know you’ve spent the night with a fat bar girl, don’t offer to give her a lift home. A parting thought. If you kill something with six legs, are you guilty of insecticide? be seeing you monkeyman

Right hand side of Walking Street by Soi Happy. You can't miss it. Nice to see an old tradition revived. Long may it endure.

If they have a problem, they can go into Board Settings and switch the avatars off.

Thanks for the kind words fellers. The November edition's a bit further down the list if you haven't seen it already.

It's a pain in the bloody arse if you want to get anywhere in the evenings.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome as we stick another beady eye against the keyhole of Pattaya and have a look at what the butler really saw. The Deputy Mayor returned home from a jaunt to Seoul the other week and proclaimed that the Korean tourist market is showing good potential for Pattaya, but asked for stricter safety measures for water sports because many Korean tourists had been injured in the past. Suppose that means they’ll have to wear goggles in future when they get the girls to piss on them. Looks like the little buggers are still banned from the Hard Rock Café though. Following an article in a local newspaper entitled ‘Police Bring In Iron Bar Attackers’, a spokesman for the Pattaya police said he would like to make it clear that this was an arrest and not an intake of new recruits. In a move that will no doubt inspire confidence in us all, twenty-two Pattaya traders have been presented with plaques signifying that they have passed food safety and hygiene standards at a ceremony led by Mr Uttalee Krappatit, a member of Pattaya City Council. They will now all be entered into a prize draw for a complimentary stomach pump. There’s been some criticism of the newly opened Baby Electric Blue by punters who reckon the place is too small, so they’re thinking of moving into these more spacious premises. Here’s a strange story. A couple of Indian Tourists were reported to have been found unconscious in a Pattaya hotel room. The report said that inside the room were condoms, cans of beer and tablets, which were thought to have contributed towards the men’s state of unconsciousness. So how did the condoms contribute then? If you’re looking for the ideal souvenir of your trip to Pattaya, why not take home one of these “Build Your Own Baht Bus” kits, now obtainable from unlicensed traders all along Beach Road. Remember, folks, these are not available in the shops. First we had the SUV on our roads, now we’ve got the SEV. Last week, the “Sex Education Van” made an impromptu visit to Pattaya. They decided to park it in the middle of Soi 6 because for some reason they’d got it into their heads that one or two of the bars may have been the site of the odd casual sexual encounter. Its main aim is to spread the word when it comes to the practice of safe sex. Well, yes, we can think of one or two words that might fit. They’ve also announced that the van will visit the street on a regular basis and will be distributing free condoms. Guess you can all go out and buy smaller suitcases for your next trip then. Police were called a couple of weeks ago after it was reported that a bloke from a Chinese tour party had gone missing. There were subsequently a few rumours that someone had done him in and buried the body, a theory also supported by Monkeywatch. What do you reckon to this then? An organisation called Empower Foundation has decided to teach go-go dancing. Empower boss Chunderwiper Apesuck (well it sounded like that) said several types of dancing courses such as ballroom dancing have been provided in other non-formal education centres. Can’t wait to see the girls trying to tango on a chrome pole. The new owner of the Sandy Spring hotel has announced that it will henceforth be known by the abbreviated name of “SS”. Here’s a nice snap of him welcoming some newly arrived guests. And finally, inspired by the competition being run by Pattaya City Hall to design a monument to the King, Monkeywatch has decided to hold its own competition for the best monument to honour our old mate Toxin. Here’s our entry. Feel free to post your own. A parting thought. If you get bored waiting for your flight home, you can always pass the time counting the cracks in the new runways. be seeing you monkeyman

And indeed why should you be? It's not necessarily a convincing argument. Cause and effect. The fact that climate change is occurring doesn't mean that it's attributable to global warming, and this theory certainly hasn't been proven beyond all reasonable doubt. Think hidden agendas.

You can bet your bottom dollar that there'll be a load of vacuous non-smoking windbags queuing to get on board just so they can whine about it.