Bushcraft

Although I live only 10 minutes walk from Jomtien Immigration, I'd welcome this as it's one thing less for my addled old brain to remember.

Here's one that make me laugh out loud. There's a new handiman at the zoo. He's given 3 jobs for his first day. First, clean the weeds out of the fishpond, for which he's given a shovel. Stepping into the fishpond, a huge pike jumps out and bites him on the arm. He swings the shovel and kills it stone dead. He looks around and nobody has been watching. What to do with the dead pike? Aha, the lion enclosure is over the way, so he drags the dead pike across and heaves it over the fence. Job done. His next job is to clean out the monkeyhouse, where he's attacked by two chimpanzees as soon as he enters. He beats them both to death with his shovel. What to do with the bodies? Aha, the lion enclosure, and he throws the dead chimps over the fence. Third job is to clean out the area housing the Amazonian killer bees. When he enters he's immediately attacked by a swarm of them, and lays about him with the shovel, eventually mashing all of them. Using his normal procedure, he scoops up the mess with his shovel and throws it over the fence of the lion enclosure. Next day a new lion is introduced into the enclosure and sidles up to an older lion. "What's the food like in here?" "Brilliant, yesterday we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

#1130 reminds me of the old news headline back in the 1970s: The East German pole-vault champion is now the West German pole-vault champion.

The manager in a general store is training a new young recruit in the art of upselling. He tells him to watch what he does when a customer walks in and asks for a packet of lawn seed. Manager: This seed is really great, you'll have a superb lawn in just weeks. Might be a good idea to buy a lawnmower as well, so that you can take good care of it. Customer: That's a good idea, I don't have one yet, can you show me what you have? The manager makes the sale, then tells the trainee to try using the upselling technique on the next customer. A guy comes in and asks for a pack of sanitary towels for his girlfriend. Trainee: Sure, no problem, can I also interest you in a lawn mower? Customer: Whatever for? Trainee: Well, your weekend's fucked, so you might as well mow your lawn.

A customer in a DIY store asks to see a selection of files to make a choice. Confused, he asks what one of them is called. The assistant says: It's a bastard file. Visibly relaxed by this seemingly easygoing tone, the customer says: And what's this fucker here called?

You couldn't make this up and keep a straight face. What's the definition of confusion? Father's Day in Brixton, London and announcements by the Thai government. You couldn't run the proverbial whelk-stall with this managerial approach.

Unbelievable. With its tourist industry at rock bottom because of the ban on foreigners entering the country, the Thai government decides to send foreigners who have remained here on (amnestied) tourist visas packing. I fail to see the logic: these people are COVID-free and present no risk, they are usually here out of choice, they spend money thus helping the troubled economy. Why tell them to leave unless there's an agenda which all of us expats will one day fall foul of.

This is sad though probably inevitable news in view of the overheads such a large business must have. I too have many fond memories of PBG over the years, and greatly hope that it will arise again when tourist numbers justify that. Bad news for Moulie of FLB fame too, as PBG was no doubt a welcome billet for her.

This seems to happen every year, never mind, I'll struggle along and let the air into a few bottles with you and hopefully many others.

Very funny that, Patts in a nutshell.

I had a similar experience. I went to Jomtien for my 90-day report at 1.30 pm on the 9th (9 days late). On arrival I was handed my number, proceeded to counter 4 and my number was already showing on the board. I was out of there within 2 minutes. Marvellous.

Wishing you the best after reopening, I'll do my best to come for a meal very soon.

Thanks so much Firth, this area was my stamping ground when I lived in East Sheen in the 80s. Brings back memories, especially of pub nights near the beautiful Richmond Bridge. Very low water levels in some of those pics, don't remember them that low in the 80s but I may be wrong.

You couldn't concoct a bigger shambles than the UK's response in a work of fiction. Now, in June ffs, the British Medical Association finally comes out and says what many have said for at least 3 months: make mask-wearing compulsory when out of doors, not just on public transport as is now belatedly prescribed. Suddenly the medical advice that masks are not effective has been reversed. In fact this has nothing to do with the efficacy or not of masks - common sense tells us that a face covering must afford some level of protection - and everything to do with the shortage of supply in the earlier months of this pandemic. There was a woeful lack of preparation for a pandemic like this all over the world, not just in the UK of course. From January onwards the whole world was suddenly scrabbling for masks, and even the procurement people at the NHS (Europe's largest single employer, with huge purchasing clout), after having failed to lay in major usable stocks of PPE beforehand, proved unable to obtain reasonable supplies. China funnily and frighteningly enough being the major source of such supplies, as it still is. So from the WHO downwards, the medical profession, scientific advisers and politicians touted the line that masks are ineffective. This was not based on science, but on the fear of creating a huge public demand for face masks all over the world, masks that were not available or only at ludicrous prices in the general rush. This in itself is a scandal, an outright lie to cover up lack of preparedness. Now that masks are far more available, they're suddenly effective and the UK and other countries are duly making them compulsory, as I predicted on this board some weeks ago. This has been the case in SE Asian countries for some months now, and all of these have very low infection/fatality rates. Coincidence? Geographical exceptions such as Oz and NZ aside, and considering the huge fatality rates in the UK and US - if indeed these are to be believed as truly COVID-related deaths - might almost make one suspect that speaking English is a high risk factor. Were it not so tragic, the response in the UK at least has been a laughable shambles, and I shudder when I listen to the sheer bullshit on testing/tracing etc. still coming from UK politicians on the TV news.

Nice one considering the dearth of pickings in ex-funtown right now. One news item that made me laugh was the would-be gold shop robber who was foiled by being refused entry (by door buzzer) to the shop by an alert saleswoman - for not wearing a mask.

The Beatles: I don't wanna hold your hand

What really gets up my nose, apart from many of the things already mentioned by BMs, is when I'm the first to arrive at a recognised, i.e. commonly chosen, baht bus hailing point on Thappraya Road near the lights at Thepprasit Road, and am joined by a gaggle of Russians/Thais. When a bus arrives and stops near them, they think nothing of piling in with no regard for the old bugger who was already waiting and should have precedence. Germans are like this too, they abhor queues and it's every man for himself. The other one is baht bus passengers who ring the bell/buzzer to get off, sidle round to the front passenger window and only then start grubbing around in their pockets/backpack for the entirely predictable 10 baht fare, rather than getting it ready before they get off. Really annoying if you're in a hurry to get somewhere.

I was due for a 90-day in Jomtien on Tuesday, and expected Immigration to be packed with people after the New Year break - and so it was, there was a queue stretching outside the main door into the car park. I took my place and gradually shuffled nearer to the door, when a lady suddenly appeared and asked if there were any 90-day people waiting. I said yes, and she handed me a number slip showing 475. I went to counter 4 and no. 476 was being processed, so I waited literally 20 seconds and presented my slip to the officer when 476 had left. She told me she had already called 475, and I told her a lady had just given this to me in the queue. Passport was duly processed, new 90-day clipped into it and I was back out of the building within 5 minutes of arriving. A real stroke of luck, I had expected to be there for at least one hour. No TM30, no lease required.

England is a cruel mother - she sometimes eats her children.

On the already mentioned subject of index-linked pensions for expats, this is discrimination and a scandal. Linked in the Philippes but not in Thailand, in the USA but not in Canada. This has been UK government policy since 1945, followed by all governments since. Nobody can explain why any bilateral agreements between governments should be needed to implement index-linking. If you're entitled, the government should pay you wherever you are, it's nobody else's business and it should be your free choice to live where you like after 40-odd years of work and contributions. Somebody took the UK government to the European Court of Justice (ECJ) for this discrimination a few years ago, and lost his case. The government's argument was simple and cold-blooded: a) index-linking for expats is not a legal requirement, and b) they didn't want to spend the money. No mention of a moral imperative to look after pensioners abroad who have contributed just as much, are no burden on the health service or social services. Most importantly, they can't vote in UK elections and are therefore irrelevant to politicians. It's a disgrace - to my knowledge no other country does this to its pensioners living abroad, or in some countries but not others.

I'm reminded of a farang venture some years ago in Isaan that was both weird and bad, but definitely not good. Said Farang invested a considerable sum in leasing a double shophouse in Udon Thani and fitting it out as a restaurant which he intended to run with his Thai GF. This being Thailand, the GF's elderly, widowed mother moved in with them and had her own room upstairs. She also had dementia, and a nightmare unfolded. The restaurant started off well, with both farang and Thai customers, and became quite busy. Then it started: the mother would occasionally wander downstairs to the dining area, walk up to eating customers and cackle "Aroi mai?" while dipping her fingers into their meals and picking up items to pop into her mouth. She'd wander from table to table doing this, causing first the farang to refuse payment and leave in droves, then the Thais. Any attempt by the farang restauranteur to stop the mother doing this, or hopefully get her to live elsewhere, met with fierce resistance from his GF, who was of course in a cleft stick, and the place closed within 6 months for lack of customers. Talk about the best laid plans, who could have factored that into their business model?

They turn right at the flyover, then left into the next soi and join 2nd road just north of the roadworks. Very uncomfortable journey, lots of high bumps on those back sois.

I concur with Jacko's depressing but realistic view of the future in Patts. I've long ceased to go to agogos except on crawls, there is an air of desperation rather than fun in many beer bars, and my beloved Soi 6 is a shadow of its former self for reasons already discussed on the board. I think there has been a concerted and planned project on the part of government to change the nature ("quality") of the tourists who visit Patts. It began to bite at around the time FLB started struggling, the Soi 9, Soi 2 and 3 bars were demolished, and Soi 8 was made unfriendly by knocking 10-15 bars down for one hotel. This project has accelerated under the military regime, and it's working very well for them if one takes this to mean discouraging the sex scene and thereby making Patts less attractive to Farang. Let's be fair, farang have made a major contribution to the wealth of Patts and the economic prospects of many, many Thai families in the boonies, and unless that income is replaced by visitors of a different nature and spending power, lots of small Thai businesses and jobs will inevitably disappear. The exchange rate problem has unfortunately worked in favour of this project. It's equally true that the attraction of Patts to the Chinese/Korean tour groups and Indians is precisely the seedy reputation it has, i.e. the flag-following tours of WS and Soi 6 for the thrill of open eroticism that is absolutely taboo back home. The sex scene at large earns nothing from the Chinese, very little from the Koreans and Japs, and only hard-haggled amounts from the Indians - all in all far, far less than was to be had from the Farang they have decided should be discouraged from coming here. So will the Asian influx take up the slack in terms of Thai incomes? Hardly. Despite a population exceeding 1 billion, word will eventually get around China that visiting Patts to be dragooned around shops selling Chinese-made goods, with precious few other attractions - least of all its beach - is not worth doing. I predict a sudden plunge in Chinese visitor numbers to Patts in around 5 years. The more spoiled and sophisticated Koreans (also usually couples) will smell that coffee even sooner, and only their mongers will come here soon. The Russians are negligible in the equation. And the Indians? Literally dozens of Indian restaurants have suddenly sprung up, perhaps for money-laundering or because the business-savvy Indians predict a large market for their own kind. They also employ almost only their own kind, not Thais, and, if they become too numerous and influential, will encounter resentment that Farang were never made to feel. Indians will not be a major source of employment for Thais in Patts, who risk being displaced with only the landlords welcoming the influx. The Arabs (to use the collective name)? Mongers who eat in their own restaurants and stay in their own areas, living four to a room in the back sois, refusing to bang anything weighing less than 15 stones. In short, in economic terms for the Thai bargirl, dancer, massage worker, shopkeeper, launderess, bus driver etc. etc. the demographic change encouraged by their government will spell hardship that has a knock-on effect back in the boonies, while the massive malls will wonder where serious, paying customers are to come from. This is a case of the rich and powerful investing in a major tourist infrastructure for their own interests, and hang the little people who are unfortunate enough not to have cooking or other, hotel-related skills. They may well regret that investment. Thai travel agencies, airport bus services, tour guides will suffer, as these consumer groups use their own. The list goes on and on. Patts will end up with a huge, self-sufficient Indian population that pushes Thais aside, very few diehard Farang here and there, and oodles of empty hotel rooms when other Asians realise that the town has bugger all for them to spend a holiday on. At least the bloody tourist buses will gradually disappear I suppose.

I've taken 1 Black Ant King pill daily for about 4 years now, and I find this works well considering my age. No noticeable side-effects, though I suspect this is a fairly large dose and may be doing me long-term harm, though long-term is relative at age 70. Unfortunately nothing can bring back the very healthy libido I had up until age 50 or so, but Mr Happy still (usually) rises to the occasion with the help of this stuff.

This one is somewhat lavatorial. Having drunk several beers and eaten an Indian curry prior to boarding, a passenger on the night train from Glasgow to London feels his stomach churning and realises that he needs the toilet pretty damn quick. He rushes down the corridor, tries the door handle of the toilet and - the toilet is engaged. With not a second to spare, and seeing as it's dark outside, he deperately slides the train window down, drops his trousers, sticks his bare bum out of the window and discharges a stream of diarrhoea into the night. Relief. Unfortunately this splatters all over a porter who is wheeling some mail sacks down the platform in a country station that the train was passing at the time, and he's furious as the train speeds off into the night. He gets on the phone to his brother, who is a policeman in the next town. "John, the Glasgow-London express has just passed through, and some bastard on board has thrown a load of shit all over me, can we do anything?" "Well, if we're quick I can get the train stopped when it reaches here, and we can take him in for assault. Can you give me a description of the bastard?" "Well, the train was moving fast and it's dark, but I got a fleeting look at him. He has a centre parting, a very long nose and really swollen tonsils."