Bar Humor

[BigusDicus]

 

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . . except for his boots.

 

“Where your clothes at, Slim?”

 

“Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove

up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’

 

So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. 

 

Then she takes off her clothes, and says, ‘You like what you see?’ 

 

Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, ‘Yes, ma’am, I do!’”

 

Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, ‘Well, then,

go to town, Cowboy!’

 

So I pulled on my boots and here I am.”

 

 

 

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. 

 

The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” 

 

“Tiny” the man replies. 

 

“What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

 

"Because…He’s my newt.

 

 

 

Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls, “Who had sex with my wife!?!”

A guy in the back replies, "You don’t have enough bullets!"

 

 

 

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.

 

 

 

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

 

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your

ceiling?" 

 

The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a

challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat

with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night.

 

However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for

everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". 

 

The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give

the challenge a shot?" 

 

The customer quickly responds with a "No". 

 

"Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".

 

 

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an

alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

 

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies. ** poof **   The horse disappears.

 

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as

they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”,

or “I think, therefore I am”.

 

But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the

horse.

 

 

 

This guy walks into a quiet bar.

 

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm.

He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the

bartender. 

 

The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people

about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the

ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to

go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. 

 

The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. 

 

The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. 

 

"What's your name?" He says to the first duck.

 

"Huey" replies the first duck. 

 

"How's your day been, Huey?" 

 

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." 

 

"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your

name?" 

 

"Dewey," came the answer. 

 

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" 

 

"Great.Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the

chance another day I would do the same again." 

 

So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." 

 

"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."

 

 

[atlas2]

I heard about these two cowboys walking into the saloon......One was called 'Past'.......The other 'Present'.

...........it was tense. 

[atlas2]

Next day another cowboy comes into the saloon...........

His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper.

He got arrested for rustling. 

Edited April 9, 2019 by atlas2

[Bushcraft]

A man walked into a bar and got taken to hospital with head injuries - it was an iron bar.

A man walks into a bar with a live lobster under his arm. Bartender: Are you taking that lobster home for dinner? Customer: No, we've had dinner, we're going to the movies now.  

[Bob Belzy]

A Nigerian scammer walks into a bar with a macaw on his shoulder. The tom asks "where you get him?", the macaw says, "Bangkok, there's thousands of them".

[awesum4]

Those made me laugh, great way to start the day.  Thanks Bugus.

Edited April 10, 2019 by awesum4

[MrMango]

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender gets it and asks why the long face?

[thinkingallowed]

White horse walks into vary

Bartender "we have a whisky named after you.."

White horse."I'll have a double Dobbin then."

[Lantern]

Two blonds walk into a building.

You'd think one of them would have seen it.

[VPI78]

[VPI78]

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

[atlas2]

Prince Charles is visiting the US.....He's walking down a New York alley wearing a Savile Row double breasted suit and a white stetson ....to fit in.

A prostitute calls out an invitation and a price '$500.'

Charles tips his hat politely like he'd seen the cowboys do and jokes, '$5'

Next day same thing happens......She asks $500 Charles tips his hat and mumbles  '$5.'

The next day he's walking with Camilla and sees the same prostitute......He thinks, 'Oh my word! What will she say?'

The prostitute calls out......'D'ya get change from the $5?'

Edited April 11, 2019 by atlas2

[BigusDicus]

1 minute ago, atlas2 said:

Prince Charles is visiting the US.....He's walking down a New York alley wearing a Savile Row double breasted suit and a white stetson ....to fit in.

A prostitute calls out an invitation and a price '$500.'

Charles tips his hat politely and jokes, '$5'

Next day same thing happens......She asks $500 Charles tips his hat and mumbles  '$5.'

The next day he's walking with Camilla and sees the same prostitute......He thinks, 'Oh my word! What will she say?'

The prostitute calls out......'D'ya get change from the $5?'

So gooood....

[VPI78]

[BigusDicus]

1 minute ago, VPI78 said:

 

Excellent!  I am stealing it.

[atlas2]

Funny I've always  read VPI78 and thought it stood for VPL.......Visible pantie line

Cue.. Twilight Zone music.......(The new series of which is shit by-the-way).

Edited April 11, 2019 by atlas2

[BigusDicus]

Hey, do not get jealous of VP178.  Just because I did not steal yours too...? 

[VPI78]

An Irish priest was driving to New York and got stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He asked, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," said the priest.

The trooper asked, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looked at the bottle and exclaimed, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[Bushcraft]

A bloke is stopped by a policeman when driving through town at 2.30 am. The copper asks him where he's going. "I'm off to hear a lecture on the evils of drink and womanising." Copper: "Nonsense, who'd be giving a lecture at this time of the morning?"

"That would be my wife when I get home". 

[VPI78]

[Bob Belzy]

Quasimodo comes home after a hard day ringing the church bells to find his wife pulling the wok out of the cupboard. "Oh good, is it Chinese tonight Esmeralda?" he asks. "No"  she says,  "I'm ironing you a shirt for tomorrow."

What have Kermit the Frog and Henry the VIII got in common?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The same middle name.

 

 

Edited April 12, 2019 by Bob Belzy

[Bob Belzy]

What's the difference between a modern airship and 365 blow jobs?

 

One is a Goodyear, the other an *excellent* year.

[atlas2]

OK....Quasimodo goes into a bar and somehow picks up this drunken sexy saloon gal.......

He shags her rotten and in the morning she wakes up.....She sees what she's been shagging all night......And staring at the hairy hump on his back she throws up all over it!!

Quasi wakes, puts a hand in the sick on his hump.......and gasps in horror!!

She says I

"Gee....I'm mighty sorry mister....I couldn't help throwing-up."

'Ahhhh......Thaaank Gorrrd'. Says Quasi, "I thought my hunch had burst"

Edited April 13, 2019 by atlas2

[Bushcraft]

A wife is giving birth in hospital, with her husband and nursing staff by the bedside. It's a difficult birth, and the midwife urges her to give one huge push. A tremendous fart rends the air as the baby slithers out.  The wife is visibly embarrassed and apologises. Never mind, says the midwife, only usually in this situation it's the wife that farts, not the husband.

[VPI78]